I AM 21 TODAY!! WOOOOOO

but she caught me on camera.

WASNT ME!

That song always has a way of getting me up and dancing, or just shaking my little head and tailfeather when I’m driving in my car. Recently i’ve dug up some really old cds to jam to in the car and they have reminded me of so much. Mainly a time when I was a lot closer to certain people in my life. and also a time when I was the girl who put songs on cds just to sit in a car and try to have the boy I cared about realize that every song I picked was quite strategically placed there to have him realize a certain way that I felt about him, opps. Music has always been ten times better at saying the things I want to say than me. I’ve forgotten that music is literally one of the best cures to anything, and I havent been using it at all lately, but I must start that again. I must fully put myself into playing songs that will make my life better when I feel sad. I think part of the reason I’ve been forgetting to do so is because of the fact I still do not have my full library on my computer and that just makes me feel like its only half ass when I try and liste to things and that I dont have the full range that I used to. I feel like my moods could be alot better, and handled better if I started making music one of my outlets again.

Today was my day that was supposed to be severly dedicated to doing work, and yet I havent started yet, mainly because i’m lazy but also because I really do not want to do any of the work that I have set myself up for doing.
But then again i’m just really lazy and I’m still really off track with some of my work and I need to get on track with it before I can really start. So another thing that is keeping me from doing my work is now blogging and ranting. 

I wish sometimes that my blog would just be a constant flow of thoughts, that literally everything I think would somehow just transfer itself into my blog and I wouldnt have to write it out, because it usually sounds so much better in my head and then I forget things and my mind jumps from place to place and its hard to keep up with and organize. so if my blog could just constantly grab all my thoughts that would be grand. not to mention that I would like a pensive, (or however you spell it) and yes i’m talking about harry potter because dumbledore has a way to keep all of his thoughts in order and so that he can access them when need be and I really wish I had that most of the time. OKAY all of the time. I kind of have a photographic memory, like I can replay scenes in my head very vividly even when I dont really want to so sometimes that is a curse so maybe if I had one of those cool llittle things I would erase some of my memorys as well because some of them really suck, now thats slightly off topic. but really, if I could just pick and choose the things I want to remember vividly that would be great.
So I have a habit of embarrassing myself. Of saying or doing stupid things, and I dont know when I became that girl because I used to be a girl who was cool and calm and collected and didnt swoon (well I did but alot more secretly) over boys and act like a fool because I didnt want to look like the stupid pathetic one. I was toooooo coool to be hurt (or I should say too cold) and I just didnt want anyone thinking I was the kind of person who pined over boys. And now i’m that girl. I’m whiney and needy and do ridiculous things that should never be done. I callllll a million times to make sure my boyfriend didnt fall off a cliff and die even when in my head I know hes just sleeping. or maybe a slightly different situation where I call and freak out a million times (opps). and I just want to know when I became that girl. I’m also the girlfriend who always has whats best for me and just me in mind.  Like for example right now my boyfriend is at a frisbee tournament and I want them to do well, but not too well because if they move onto the next level then he will have another weekend of tournaments which will compromise me seeing him which is very unacceptable. I cannot handle anything that takes my boyfreind away from me, like I said pathetic and needy. and whenever we are fighting I need something to lean on and I cant just be okay being stable and good on my own and dealing with our fights or anything like that. and all my bad moods and sadness get taken out on him in some way or another. mainly I just suck at being a girl recently. I have so many double standards, if he talks to a girl, like literally says hi…I lose my cookies. but yet I dance and have the tendency to flirt with many guys that I meet and just laugh it off. I’m psychotic. 
I’VE HELD OFF WAY TOO LONG on not talking about ONE TREE HILL, but now I must. WHAT THE HELL! that is the only thing I can say about it. I’m an avid obsessed one tree hill watcher and have been for a very long time. I want to be Brooke Davis. She is my girl and all of their quotes and moments and all the things that happen to them, I find myself comparing my daily life too (except for the past few seasons because there lives have been way far out there, more so their highscool times are the things I find myself wanting)..but anyway. HOW could it possibly end like that..wtf? I didnt even understand most of it. and heres the thing I CRY during everything. literally everything. and the SERIES FINALE of my favorite show, I dont even work up one single tear?? what is that. First of all the first hour thing where the characters talk about the show and everything it has meant to them WAS RIDICULOUS. why did shantal even get to talk shes been in like three seasons? and james lafferty barely said anything. and they couldnt bring back chad and hilary just to make some comments about what the show meant to them? like I really do not even understand. and how any of them that have been on the show for what THEIR ENTIRE LIVES PRETTY MUCH thought that the ending would have sufficed for their viewers doesnt even make sense to me. The whole episode revovled around trick and music which was nice seeing as thtat was a huge part of the show when they were younger, but the whole thing about TRIC was that it was PEYTONS AND KARENS AND DEBS..and with none of them there it didnt even make sense to have the whole episode revolve around tric. and dont even get me started on the random returning of bevin and her being a part of quinn and clays wedding. it was literally one of the stupidest things i’ve ever seen. Honestly their whole story line at this point is comical and stupid. and I hate it. they shouldnt have been allowed in the final episode. Mouths story was the best one yet, and like he at least desreves a good story because hes been there since the beginning. not much else happened though. like nothing else happened. it was stupid and ridiculous and after all this time I just dont know how thats how they decided to end it? like no honest idea. like I do not think that I will ever sit down and rewatch a single one of those episodes. I was just incredibly dissappointed which is something I never want to be for one tree hill. and i’m very sad to say that its over and then that was the last impression I had of the show. boo
Nowww greys anatomy. which has just been getting so good again. it been up and down alot recently but its been really good these past few episodes. the whole cheating thing is just the best. I’m so sorry for Cristina but I love the way they are doing it. I love that she is making him tell her all the details, I know that if that was me I would do the EXACT same thing.I would want to relive every little detail no matter how much it hurts. I would need to know everything that happened in entireity. I also love that she made him leave at the end. and the part wheere he tries to hug her, I just feel like its all so perfect. As for Mer and Der I couldnt love them anymore then I do right noww. They have been so good and so cute. Next on the list is cristina and mer and I love that she sat on the phone with her and jsut let her cry and then cristina realizes she needs to study. it was just  a really great past few episodes that i’ve been very pleased with. so hooray for that.
Now Fringe..which I am so far behind on. opps. but anway..where I am.I am super sad for Peter. Its so hard for him because Olivia is starting to remember things and as much as he wants to just be iwth her again, he knows its not real or his Olivia. BUt i’m super confused because I think it still is his Olivia. They keep talking about getting him back to his timeline, but i’m pretty sure hes in the right timeline but he was erased so he no longer has one. Well at least thats why I think but I really dont know I keep getting more and more confused as I watch. They better make this all time together and make sense at the end because I feel like theres alot of missing pieces and loose ends. so we shall see.
That is it for now, I should get stuff done because i’m lazy.
-astoldbyginger 

even at my best, I want to let go

I turn 21 in 14 days. It is safe to say, that i’m slightly EXCITED. okay more then sligghtly.i’ve been freaking out about it. not that I dont go to bars and what not now, but its just official and I can go to cooler bars and be cooler and all that jazz and I couldnt be more happy. I’m a little bit nervous and its a little bit making my stomach hurt. I know I shouldnt be worried, its my birthday. But i’m trying to figure out whats going on and whose all coming and on top of that I really dont know what I want, there are so many options and so many different things that I possibly want and I’m a big baby. blah. and I need to stop worrying since my boyfriend and my sister are planning on taking care of them for me. and yet for some reason I’m still nervous about it. 
So recently i’ve been obsessed with weddings, but slightly more then recently. Just in general i’ve been obsessed. I’ve seen so mnay pictures and videos of pretty and amazing weddings and i want it all to be me. I want to be picking out a dress and planning a wedding and mroe important showing everyone a ring on my finger. now I know that i’m no where near ready (well actually most of the time I need to continue repeating that to myself because I really think i’m ready) but I have wedding fever, I see everything and I just want to get married and pick everything out and get our house and be ready to spend the rest of my life wiht my boyfriend, NOW.  I need it all to happen right now..asap. I’m such a crazy person, but I look at my finger all the time and I just keep looking at it and thinking this little chubby stubby finger needs a ring on it so that I can show people and feel like a princess. I’m so nuts, and I want to wait till the right time with the perfect engagement (since I already found the perfect and right person). I guess maybe I just need to take deep breaths and remind myself that it is all about the patience and I need to be patient. So I will remind myself that it will happen someday (hopefully) and to not rush it. because my life is fun and I need to be enjoying of the moment. 
Speaking of the moment and enjoying things. I always am looking forward to the next big thing happening in my life which is a bad habit. I look forward to things and then once I’m there doing them, I get so nervous because I know that they are going to be over quickly so I just want to make sure that there are some other things to look forward too. but because of me doing that, then I never actually enjoy things while they are happening. Its a huge problem of mine and it drives me crazy, I need to learn how to deal with that and how to make sure that I start enjoying things nad living more in the moment. I just need to take my time and carpe diem (i’m a cliche nerd)
Now i’ve changed alot in the past few years, and there are a lot of things I like about myself and  a lot of things I hate. I hate more then I like I think sometimes, just because a lot of the time i’m insecure and mean now and I never was this person before, and it gets tiring and sometimes I want to go back to the old me, but I also know thats not for the best and there is a reason i’m not that person anymore and I need to embrace that. But a huge thing I HATE HATE HATE about the new me is the jealousy I feel now a days. Its awful and bad and something that I dont know how to control and something I for sure never felt before. and I guess that is part of being in love, you start to understand how terribly jealous really is, and i’m not just starting to understand, I mean i’ve been feeling this for threee years now, but it gets worse when little things happen that remind me that I always have someone to lose. That reminds me that the most important thing in my life also has been with outher people and I have the potential of losing him if I screw up. And I see the other girls that have gotten to experience how amazing my boyfriend is and it kills me. And its always killed me since we started dating but there are certain people that makes it worse then others and one of them really gets under my skin. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter because I love my boyfriend and he loves me and in the end we are always going to be together and this girl doesn’t even matter, but everytime I see her I just want to rip my hair out, and her hair out and maybe my boyfriends as well and scream WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! Because she is gross nad literally makes me feel gross and she won at some point in time she had him over me and she won him and he wanted her instead of me and that thought literally kills me and feels like a knife through the heart. I want to be the girl who wouldn’t care and who would say that I’m prettier and that I’m better then you and that I don’t care about you at all because you are ugly and you suck and I have nothing to be jealous of, but I am no longer that girl. I don’t have that ridiculously awesome confidence that I used to have and I cannot own a room or anything like I used to. I just don’t feel like the girl I used to be and as special and important at so many times. It drives me a little bit crazy because I cant stand the girl and I really don’t know her but she has the ability to get under my skin. This weekend when I saw her out I just had all these ideas of things to do and say to her and yet I was such a little bitch about it and didn’t do anything, which was probably for the best in all honesty, there was no need to start something, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t slightly fantasize about it. I just don’t like the feeling that ocne upon a time I wasn’t good enough and she was, it kinda disgusts me. But enough about her now to my other form of jealousy..which happens when I look at other peoples lives and other peoples clothes and all that jazz. It drives me crazy I want so much that everyone else has, and I shouldn’t that is so stupid. I used to yell at my mother for that exact thing when I was younger, she always used to compare herself to everyone else and want the things that everyone else had and what my dad and her had was never good enough and it angered me so much because my dad does everything to keep her happy and she just isn’t fair to him, and now here I am sitting back and admiring other peoples things and lives and wanting just what they have. THE WORST PART IS, that I have a good life. I love my life for the most part, if I would just sit back and let myself love it and enjoy it without worrying and envying others I feel like I would be much happier, but instead I decide to let my jealousy get the best of me. And its killing me because the last thing I want is to be that bitter person and be like my mother. And yet I cannot help it.
The next few weeks are just going to be hell. And they are really freaking me out. We are on the home stretch and the last few weeks of school and I have so much crap to do and I just want to go out and play and enjoy the rest of school before summer comes and I have to work my butt off and yet I just feel like I’m going to spending it studying my butt off and doing so much work. I just want to go out and play and have fun with my roommates especially because I wont be living with the same girls next year, and yet I feel as though I’m going to be holed up in my room for awhile. Aw man. Its so unfortunate. But my grades come first (I must keep telling myself that). I also just really want to enjoy my summer and go out a lot and play at the beach with my friends and spend lots of time with my boyfriend and just have an amazing summer that I will never forget, but I fear that that will never happen because that is simply not my life. Why would it be? My life consists of working working oh and right more working. I just feel like I will never actually get to enjoy myself and that thought drives me crazy.  
I sometimes tend to forget the huge part that music plays in my life. I need to remember that when I’m feeling sad and that when the world is out to get me and hates my life that music will be something that can bring me back and make me feel better about everything, and yet I seem to forget that a lot lately. Also sometimes my car likes to act up when it comes to the CD player so that doenst help. But this morning there was a lot of good things going on. Like my car wanted me to enjoy my drive back to school and I just listened to so mnay good songs that evoked so many feelings and everytime I hear lines that I love I am tempted to status them or tweet them, but if I actually did that I would be up to millions of things. And there are so many people who update both of those things with every single detail of their entire day, but I believe that a few song lyrics could sum up everything  I’m thinking and that they could say it much better then I ever could myself. So I will leave my feelings and emotions up to my favorite artists, because they are beyond amazing. And the feeling that are inside of me and the way certain lines and words and voices can make me feel are just simply amazing and I forgot that that power and that power alone can change my mood and my entire day.
So i’m an avid reader, maybe slightly more then avid. I mean I read 24/7. its my favorite hobby easily. I mean sometimes I wish I had a hobby like running that I loved so much because then I would be super skinny and have a great body, but instead I have a great vocabular and reading skills,except one thing reading has lacked to teach me is pronunciation. I cannot pronounce anything for my life, but thats a whole nother story. So anyway reading is my life. I have read millions of books. and part of my reading is the fact that I have a huge booklist and i’m in love with it. its my baby. and yet its been missing, and I thought it was at home but when I was home for Easter Break, I searched high and low and it was nowhere to be found, and it literally makes me want to cry. I NEED my booklist. I’ve been feeling like a huge part of me is missing recently without it. I desperately need it. Like I seriously feel lost without it, and I know its stupid to say but it almost makes reading less fun because I need to have that feeling of crossing out books once i’m finished with them, nothing feels as good as that, and yet I have not been able to do it for quite a few months. I’m so depressed and it takes some of the fun out of reading, damn my life.
EASTER..was interesting. Its crazy that on this past break which was very short and only a few days, I did more than I did the whole winter break and saw more people. Which is silly but it was actually so fun and low key. I enjoyed relaxing and eating lots of food, and I worked but not a ridiculous amount like I normally do, which was nice and peaceful and I actually enjoyed that about my life, not working my entire break away was a new and great thing for me, I mean my work schedule will get crazy again soon but for now it was nice just to have that break. And just to snuggle with my boyfriend and take a much needed trip up the mountains with my dad and boyfriend. I enjoy much needed breaks. And I also enjoyed a much needed reading session and so now I’m going to go do that and leave the blogging up to the rest of you.
-astoldbyginger

another ditch in the road you keep moving

Hello Blogging World,
Today has been a good day, for no reason really. but it just has been. I spent the whole weekend with my boyfriend, and thats always the best way to spend my weekend, just snuggled up with my boyfriend. except that wasnt all we did. He had a frisbee tournament and I LOVE watching him play and I really mean that with all my heart. hes really good, if he sucked it would be a totally different story, but hes actually really good and so I get the thrill of watching him score point after point its really sexy. On the other hand however it RAINED all day on saturday and so I spent most of the day sitting in the car not even being able to watch because uhm I cant see out a rain splattered windshield. which kinda sucked but it got better when he got to go home and snuggle and go out to eat and enjoy watching him drink his first full beer (which he hated) but needless to say there is nothing better then spending an entire weekend with my man.
Today was good because well I got up early to drive back to school, and I mean I hate the drive and I hate waking up early, but its also nice to spend that extra night with my snuggles and just lay together. oh and hit snooze a bunch of times in the morning just because I dont even want to leave his side and his nice warm bed. But I did and I made it to both classes and I made it back to my room to do some reading (the new pretty little liars is SO GOOD) and take a nap. I was exhausted to say hte least. But I woke up feeling super rejuvinated and needed to feel productive. So I got some things done, and I still have more to get done but after I finish the current movie I am watching. 
speaking of the movie I am watching, its whats your number and i’m obsessed with it. its so cute. and funny and typical for many girls now adays. I mean my number is not high at all but I know alot of my friends numbers are WAY up there.
I also have a huge test tomorrow that doesnt seem like fun to study for and I have alot to do before the end of the year, and its getting here really fast, its like slowly dwindling down to the last few weeks. and I could’nt be happier about it. I just want the sunshine and summer and I am making a pact to myself that i’m not going to kill myself with working this summer, like of course i’m going to work but i’m also going to make time for me and enjoying life and things because i’m way too young to be super stressed out and tired all the time. its just not worth it.
So i’m trying to be super happy and have fun and I’m going to love it any enjoy it.
This movie makes me so happy. I’m going to stop now and like do something else with my life!
-astoldbyginger 

pretty woman, walking down the streeet

Pretty Woman is absolutely one of my favorite movies in this world.
I am sitting on my couch in my apartment watching it and falling in love with it all over again. Its ah-mazing. Julia Roberts is also the single most gorgeous person ever. I think she is by far the prettiest and one of the most talented actresses of our time. She is so cute and awkward in this movie. 

I also am just freaking out about a test I have tomorrow, mainly because I’m not actually worried and everyone else and I feel like there is a reason I should be worried. For the main fact that everyone else is so damn worried about this test makes me feel like i’m inadequate and going to fail. Which would be just grand because I need this grade to be great. I’ve been making lists (lists soothe me) and i’ve been making them for all my assignments and everything that is due till the end of the year and there really isnt that much so that makes me feel like I need to try and step it up in these last few weeks and get good grades finally. I mean not that my grades are bad, its just I’m a smart girl (not to be concieted) but I know that i’m smarter then my grades show. Its super dissappointing because I feel like I have a lot of things that hinder my learning and my grades and I dont know how to make them better and I need to figure that out in order to pick my grades up and succeed more then i’m doing. 

As for my lonliness I’ve been feeling better lately. I mean kind of. But not really. I mean i’ve been feeling better and more stable in my relationship. I know that i’m crazy and I know that I need to get over my insecurities. Its just hard because of how much I hate sleeping alone and how much I need to just have that person holding me and kissing me and helping me sleep. and I freak out and I know that its ridiculous, my boyfriend even when hes not actually here, he is actually here and hes so supportive and there for me no matter what and yet I just can never manage to tell myself that everything will be alright even if we arent physically together.  I just need to relax and I can tell myself that till the cows come home but that doesnt mean I actually listen to that logic ever. I just wish I was like a normal person who didnt worry as much as I do and stress out as much as normal. I just need to take deep breaths and breath and get over it and all my problems. now i’m ranting cause i’m not sure what else to do at the moment. 

I really need a hot shower (except I already did that) and my fire..and A PUPPY and to just cuddle up in my bed with my man. and get kisses and put in a great movie and curl up in my nook and just fall asleep and feel like the world isnt going to end and not have anything to wake up and do in the morning, but to just know that everything is going to be okay for once.

astoldbyginger 

flash the message, somethings out there

Well well well,
Another weekend commences. and a Monday morning (a classless monday mnorning because I suck, I might add) begins. And i’m very mad, even though I woke up with a splitting head ache, I should have made the attempt to go to classs. It should be my priority.. HELLO thats what i’m here for. Every class missed is just money down the drain..WHAT AM I DOING? I have this extreme inner guilt at the moment.  I hate when I miss class knowing that my grades arent the GREATEST. I mean i’m not doing bad in either of the classses I missed, but still I have a test in one on wednesday and the other one I had a paper that is sort of optional but I should be doing them and handing them in. Makes me feel a little naseaus also one of my roommates who is an avid study freak makes me nervous because I feel like she spends too much time caring and worrying about school and she forgets to have fun,and I think shes gonna end up killing herself (not literally) just figuratively because she stresses so much and waht not, just got back a huge chem test and was the only person in the class to get a one hundred percent, which is amazing and makes me super jealous..and I should be doing that (rather then doing this maybe).

My whole weekend was kind of a blurry mess. I drank ALOT. More then I usually drink. I mean I have my nights where I get drunk but most of the time I’m just a tipsy girl, I do not love getting tooo out of control, but this weekend was an exception cause i’d been sad adn just needed a HUGE release. a huge release that would have been much better fulfilled by sad movies and crying OH and my boyfriend, just laying and talking to him rather then having a major spazz attack about the fact that we dont belong together anymore (which I do really think about, I dont say it just to say it) but its more so because I want to see if I could actually do it, what my life would be like without him, because I’ve forgotten and I also dont know if i’m strong enough to be on my own„which is even scarier because i’m so afraid that one day it wont be a choice and it wont still feel like this, it will just be like we are breaking up over the end, and then I will have no idea what to do. And I know that most people in normal relationships have that problem, its always hard..but for me I believe it will be ten times harder then anyone elses situation. I just want to feel something again. I dont like that our relationship has so much control over my emotions and my day to day well being. and I feel like sometimes he does the over amount to make me happy and I know he really does just want me to be happy. and he like comes and surprises me and then I start to expect that, which I Know I cant and I know he doesnt need to do that all the time, but the second I think like maybe he will and then he doesnt, then i’m even more dissappointed then before. And I know somewhere inside of me is a rational being that understands that none of it is his fault but I just need to hear certain things from him and when I dont hear them I just sprial downwards and hate everything about him and about our relationship and want to drink and be reckless so I can feel something, and even more so..so I have something to feel guilty about. So he can yell at me. so he can feel hurt..so I can feel anything. to give him a reason to say that he doesnt want me in his life anymore. I guess I just need to feel something because the stillness and  non movement in our relationship drives me crazy, which is supposed to happen after this long of being with each other. Theres so much fun and excitement when we are physically together but when we arent then I just freak out and think things are bad and wrong and its not fair to continuely ask him to supply me with reasons why we are together. so I’m at a loss for what to do. I do dangerous things just to feel something.  I am the classic case of a girl who has so much and still wants more and finds some reason to be dissatisfied. 
“You know…I don’t think I’ll ever be happy…no matter where I am, I’ll always want to be some place else. No matter what I have, I’ll always want something different”.-Dawson’s Creek 
I know that i’m happy. most of the time I can just htink about how amazing my boyfriend is and everything is okay but sometimes I let the world and everything else in my head get the best of me. 

Next on the list is the fact that I need to do a post secret. Like I love post secrets and I love reading them and they get me all teared up and for years i’ve been saying that I will finally write into post secret, but I never have because well I still dont exactly know hwat my secret would be, but I do think it would be fun. So thats a goal of mine, I must write a post secret!

I also want hundreds of items of clothing. I always get so nervous that they are going to sell out of things I want and that I need to get them while they still have them. I’m addicted to shopping and addicted to clothing and there was this dress I fell in love with and needed to have so I took myself to the mall and got myself the dress that I desperately needed. Yay.

I also need to start eating well again, I’ve been slacking lately and for awhile i’d done really good with not drinking soda, but i’m backing to drinking soda full fledged..if not more so then ever. I need to calm down with my coke addiction (coca-cola) that is..but its just so damn good and not much compares to the taste of it. I’m crazy and silly and ridiculous but soda is a huge weakness of mine and I really shouldnt say soda in general because its not soda as much as its just coke. but its so damn good and I want to drink it all day everyday..nomnomnom

That is all for now,I felt like I had so much more to say at one point but then I went to teh mall and then tried to pick this up and had lost my train of thought entirely.

I must say that right now however I am catching up on Once Upon a Time, and at some points throughout this show i’ve lost interest in a couple of episodes. but the little red riding hood episode..was SO good. probably my favorite episode yet.  I do really lvoe how they put a spin on all of the classic fairy tales and I really can say that I did not see waht happens in that episode coming at all..it was seriously so shocking. Even more then that.. it was so cool and surprising. I’m just nervous because the people who have created this show are the same people who created the show LOST that there is going to be a done of dead ends and unexplained things, and that is something I cannot handle, I will hate the show if it ends like that. and the way every episode is about a different character, I dont know how much longer they can keep doing that because there isnt enough characters to keep bringing in and they keep dragging things out and never fully finishing a story. hmph.
astoldbyginger
 

you only live once thats the motto

Thats a motto that I MUST START LIVING UP TO!
 I feel like I’m still pretty fun sometimes and I still love to dance adn drink and be wild but all my anxeities and insecurities hold me back from that a lot of the time now, and I just want to have the mentality that i’m still pretty and fun even though those days for me are harder to come by where I actually feel that way. It is very constricting to living a life style, because sometimes I want to be carefree and have fun but my mind travels places that it should.
For instance:
My boyfriend tells me that he is taking a nap and yet here I am 20 minutes ago in the shower calling him millions of times and then i’m like okay relax hes sleeping, we both have our tendencies to fall into sleep coma when we are very tired, and i’m trying to calm myself down but the then the next thing  I know i’m freaking out thinking I have a nathan scott situation on my hands and thathes kidnapped in some warehouse and some man is holding his phone looking at a call from “girlfriend” and laughing. and then i’m thinking hes avoiding me because he doesnt want to be with me anymore and so he doesnt want to answer the phone and tell me that hes having doubts and thinks its best to go our separate ways. and then boom it hits, my heart starts hurting tears start welling over and i’m in the shower having a meltdown/panic attack. Its the worst, even though my good reasoning skills tell me to relax, it doesnt ever actually mean I will be able to listen to them.
However, on the note that I give myself a positive side, I have been feeling rather not hating my body lately. I’m embracing myself. I mean i’m not saying I love my body by any means but I havent been using harsh words to describe myself and exaggerrating and talking about how gross and disgusting I am, because somewhere I do know that thats not exactly the truth, i’m not saying i’m pretty or skinny or anything in that realm but I may not be as gross and disgusting as I sometimes like to think to myself, and show those outward insecurities to my boyfriend.
On a minus note, I’ve been feeling very lonely. I’m not lonely…in fact in the apartment that I live in there is currently five other girls. Five other people constantly in each others spaces (not constantly,our room is pretty huge) but still. There is no way to feel lonely on a college campus even more so because there are always people everywhere, I dont think theres a single place I could go where I would simply be alone. and yet this overwhelming dooming fear of being alone is just daunting me every second of the day. and even farther beyond my campus. I have best friends that love me (even if they are stupid) and I have a boyfriend who would literally do anything for me and my dad who is my best friend and would come to rescue also. I’m a very loved person, but once again even though I can rationalize and tell myself this is just doesnt seem to matter and it doesnt seem to be making me feel any less lonely and any more happy. 
—which leads directly to the next point of business. last night when I was feelling extra lonely and juts wanted to chat with my boyfriend, he was super sleepy and had to go to bed (which I totally understand) its just sometimes I long for the days when we would stay up all night talking, and the fact is these days were before we knew each other on the level that we do now, we were getting ot know each other it was exciting and fun asn asaking each other questions, but now its just not the same..not saying that I wouldnt still love it and that it wouldnt still be fun..but there is no longer that urgency. I know I will wake up in the morning and I will still know him and have him and lvoe him as much as I do so whats the point of being up all night talking. and there are times when I desperately need him to be up all night with me talking, but last night was not one of those nights, I was not losing my mind or a mess and in the middle of a crisis, I was just merely bored and lonely. So therefore I returned to the good old shockwave game inklink to meet random friends. and I found someone who I stayed up until five thirty talking to, about pretty much nothing but just lots of questions and it was fun and non dirty and just refreshing to talk to somoene who knows nothing about me (including my name, i’m not stupid and giving my information out to random strangers on the internet, no worrries). but its just nice knowing that theres nothing to show he has no idea who I am where I am what I look like and vice versa, there is no pressure and there is no expectations..there is also no possiblity of ever meeting said stranger and so its perfect. I would be the perfect person to have a pen pal I am not realizing because I am so interested in other people and not so much interested in meeting them as much as just talking to them and getting to know them. So needless to say that just made me feel revitalized and refreshed but after the convo ended I was pretty lonely once again, how great is that? just perfect.
-MM so even more daunting is that my friends are weird. I am not living with the same girls I live with now, next year. and everythings seemed to be great but we got back from spring break and one of my roommates who I was really close with seems to be like mad at me/hating me for something and i’m very unaware of why and what happened, another one of my roommates, my best friend just acts different around certain people and it kind of drives me crazy, shes normally so laid back and relaxed and its not like she does anything special to impress her but its like she honestly enjoys talking to her and getting her advice and opinion which is something that doesnt make sense to me because they are nothing alike and the one has nothing to offer and it just angers me.
..On a totally opposite side note, I want to write books. I think maybe theres a huge part of me that just needs to write. Not about myself not about anything personal but just needs to write books. Ditch the whole idea of law school and become a writer (if I decide that this is a good idea, i’m in the wrong major..go me) but I just feel liek something about being a writer, would work with my whole dark and twisty insides, but it would also help me out and make me feel better and released from some of my tensions or anxiety. it could also just be another stupid idea that I came up with in my head that actually wouldnt do anything for me whatsoever. that would be a temporary fix and once it became permanent it would stop working much like everything else that seemed to offer a fix.
-astoldbyginger 

estoy muy loco

Oh helloo friendly blog,
How i’ve missed thee.
I’ve been in super high spirits lately and meaning to write and keep forgetting and pushing you away which is so not needed because dont worry blogging community I need you and need a place to write.
Except for I just hit a random low like  a few minutes ago and feel slightly sad and I dont know where its coming from.
But heres a few recent things, finished the hunger games and was very dissappointed.. the ending was not that good and not what I expected. I wanted her with Peeta which came true hooray, but also it was sad because Gale was nowhere to be seen and she couldnt forgive him for something that wasnt really his fault and I was mad about that. I just wasnt a fan of how the last book skipped around a lot and never really made things clear and it was just kinda wah wah wah. Unnneventful. 
Also my boyfriend turned 21, and he did not get very wild but thats okay because I was with him and got to spend time with him and I love him.
I’m also really lonely right now and am trying to watch amovie that keep freezes and need a mr. snuggle buddy in my bed (other then my teddy bear).
i’m feeling all kinds of stressed because I need to pick housing and classes for next year and that seems all big and intense and makes me nervous, but I mean you gotta do things like that sometimes and just deal with it.
My best frienda t school finally got her wishes to come true and ended up with teh guy she has been trying to be with for awhile now and that just makes me happy. good things do happen in the world.
recently i’ve been feeling like theres a point to being alive, which is def a plus since sometimes I question that there is a reason to be on the planet, I like feeling like there sa reason.
I like being happy, I like being in love (okay I LOVE BEING IN LOVE)
i also love my boyfriend and all the wonderful and amazing things he does for me
astoldbyginger 

i’m so tired and need some sleep.
but I really want to blog and write alot, but nottonight I will hold off. blah